THE CAPTAINS AND THE KINGS

Mark  Barkley

Copyright © 1992, 1995

All rights whatsoever in this play are strictly reserved.

Applications for permission for any use whatsoever including performance rights must be made in advance, prior to any such proposed use.

(A Play In Two Acts)

CAST LIST

David O’Neill                                                             ( 49 years)

Catherine O’Neill                                                       (David’s daughter : 26 years)

Peter Schelling                                                         ( 34 years)

Caitlin O’Neill                                                            ( David’s Wife : 47 years)

Dawn Edwards                                                         (David’s daughter : Therese’s twin : 20 years)

Therese Thomas                                                       (David’s daughter : 20 years)

Cliff Thomas                                                             (Therese’s husband : 23 years)

The Captains and The Kings was first presented by the Centenary Theatre Group Inc.

In association with The Edge Theatre Company at Chelmer Hall, Brisbane, on 11 November, 1995.

The cast and crew was as follows:

David O’Neill                                                             Rob Beckwith  

Catherine O’Neill                                                       Sandra Harman

Peter Schelling                                                          Peter Moore

Caitlin O’Neill                                                             Penny Murphy

Dawn Edwards                                                         Juliet Toomer

Therese Thomas                                                       Bernadette Alizart

Cliff Thomas                                                             Jeremy McKay

Director                                                                    Ron Kelly

Stage Manager                                                         Ben McKay

Lighting                                                                    Helen Flint

Sound                                                                      Teresa Tweeddale

(Author’s Note: For the staging of this play I wish to acknowledge the contribution and support of Jeanette and Stephen Scott. But most of all this production would not have been possible without the energy, the vision, the courage and the genius of Ron Kelly)

SEQUENCE OF SCENES

All scenes take place in the reception hall of ”The Macleay River Guest House“, Kempsey – except Act II Scene V which occurs somewhere in Sydney.

The year is 1968.

ACT I

Scene I                         Friday, August 30                 2.00pm

Scene II                        Friday, August 30                 3.00pm

Scene III                      Friday, August 30                 4.30pm

Scene IV                       Saturday, August 31             10.00am

Scene V                        Saturday, August 31             11.00am

Scene VI                      Saturday, August 31             4.00pm

Scene VII                     Saturday, August 31             7.00pm

ACT II

Scene I                        Sunday, September 1            2.00pm

Scene II                       Sunday, September 1            6.00pm

Scene III                     Monday, September 2           1.00am

Scene IV                      Monday, September 2           8.00am

Scene V                       A few weeks later

Scene VI                      A few days later 

ACT ONE

Scene One

(CATHERINE enters from the main entrance and sets down her suitcase.)

CATHERINE               

Hello! Mum! Dad! Anybody home? (Rings desk bell) Hello!

CAITLIN                      

(Enters from kitchen) Where the hell have you been?

CATHERINE               

I..

CAITLIN                    

We.. I’ve been up half the night worried sick about you Catherine. You were supposed to be here last night.

CATHERINE               

Well.

CAITLIN                      

Can’t you use a telephone?

CATHERINE               

I’m not too bad thanks very much Mum. A little stiff in the shoulder from changing a tyre, and..

CAITLIN                      

But are you alright?

CATHERINE               

Like I said, the car was acting up so I thought I’d stop at Bulahdelah for the night. Sorry I didn’t ring.

CAITLIN                      

Yes, well we would have liked to have known.

CATHERINE               

I’m sorry. Look Mum, I’m twenty-eight. I can look after myself.

CAITLIN                      

Hmm. Famous last words, ”I can look after myself“. It’s a sick world out there Catherine.

CATHERINE               

Yes Mum, it’s good of you to remind me. Anyway how have you been?

CAITLIN                      

Fine.

CATHERINE               

And how’s Dad?

CAITLIN                      

Not bad.

CATHERINE               

Seriously?

CAITLIN                      

He’s been better I suppose.

CATHERINE               

Where is he?

CAITLIN                      

Out in the garage giving the car a grease and oil change.

CATHERINE               

Should he be doing that in his condition?

CAITLIN                      

His condition? He’s not pregnant.

CATHERINE               

What I mean is, shouldn’t he be resting?

CAITLIN                      

Your father will do what he pleases. He always has done, always will. You should know that.

CATHERINE               

I never thought I’d hear you say that. I always thought you wore the trousers in our family.

CAITLIN                      

What? Listen my girl, your father has been very good to me. Good to us all. He’s always let me do exactly what I wanted to do. Just because he’s never argued with anything I’ve said doesn’t mean he doesn’t wear the trousers. It just means he’s got impeccable taste, that’s all. I only regret that he wasn’t a bit tougher on you.

CATHERINE               

Me?

CAITLIN                      

Yes. Look at you. You’re twenty-eight and you’re still single. I mean it’s unnatural.

CATHERINE               

Thanks a lot.

CAITLIN                      

I don’t think it’s entirely your fault, mind you. Your father’s got a lot to answer for.

CATHERINE               

Dad?

CAITLIN                      

Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this. The times he speaks of most fondly were his little chess games with you at the farm.You’d both sit in the garden, you with your pig-tails and him with his straw hat, and you always beat the pants off him. He used to be in awe of you. He’d came to me and say, ”Caitlin, that girl can do what she wants“  Oh look, here’s me rabbiting on. The kettle’s just boiled. Would you like a cuppa?

CATHERINE               

I’d die for one. Mum, you never told me he was in awe of me.

CAITLIN                      

Well, why swell your head any more. Still white with one sugar?

CATHERINE               

Please. So how is Dad?

CAITLIN                      

(From kitchen) Why haven’t you found yourself a man yet?

CATHERINE               

A man?

CAITLIN                      

You don’t want to leave your run too late.

CATHERINE               

Mum, this is 1968. Women have got more choices these days. I mean, hell we’ve got the pill haven’t we?

CAITLIN                      

What did you say?

CATHERINE               

I said, we’ve got more choices.

CAITLIN                      

(Emerging from kitchen with the tea tray) I thought you said something else. When I was your age I was married with three children biting my ankles, one of them being you. I just don’t want you to miss out on the pleasure of getting scarred ankles.

CATHERINE               

I know Mum.

CAITLIN                      

Well just don’t leave it too late.

CATHERINE               

I know.

CAITLIN                      

Heavens, twenty-eight and not married. It’s .. unnatural.

CATHERINE               

Okay Mum.

CAITLIN                      

It’s unnatural.

CATHERINE               

Mum give it a rest will you?

CAITLIN                      

(After a long pause and a sip of tea) It’s unnatural.

CATHERINE               

What’s brought this on?

CAITLIN                      

Your lifestyle’s just too unfixed. I mean, you’ve dropped out of uni, you’ve wandered around the world, you’ve squandered a lot of your time. Most of your old friends are nursing or teaching, aren’t they?

CATHERINE               

And the rest have got scarred ankles.

CAITLIN                      

Catherine.

CATHERINE               

Mum I’m doing okay for myself. I think my future definitely lies in fashion design. I know my store’s not the most exclusive in Sydney, but it’s had modest success. And all my trips to London and Europe have helped me gain a feel for what’s in vogue. So I’m fine really.

CAITLIN                      

You’ve got your father’s eyes. You’re a dreamer.

CATHERINE               

So, at the risk of you changing the subject again. How is Dad?

CAITLIN                      

It’s hard to say Catherine. I mean, it’s easy to say bit it’s hard to say, if you know what I mean.

CATHERINE               

You seem to be holding up pretty well.

CAITLIN                      

Well it won’t help anyone if I drop my bundle, will it? I’m just taking each day as it comes. This weekend is very important to me. It’s given me something to look forward to.

CATHERINE               

Do you need a hand with Sunday’s dinner?

CAITLIN                      

Bless you love, but cooking was never your forte.

CATHERINE               

True, but no-one could set a table like I could.

CAITLIN                      

True, I’ll grant you that.

CATHERINE               

So what exactly is the plan for the weekend?

CAITLIN                      

Well, Dawn and her better half arrive tomorrow morning sometime. Therese and her lesser half should be here shortly after them. The twins will help me with the baked dinner on Sunday.

CATHERINE               

Good.

CAITLIN                      

Yes, I thought it was the least I could do for this Father’s Day. Seeing it may very well be our last together.

CATHERINE               

It’s that bad?

CAITLIN                      

Catherine, Monday I have to drive your father to Brisbane for more treatment. It looks like his remission is over. I haven’t asked you this yet, but could you please look after the guest house while we’re away?

CATHERINE               

Of course.

CAITLIN                     

You won’t have much difficulty. It’s been very quiet lately. There’s just one fellow who’s been here for a few days now. A real strange type, a German I think. Oh, and for the sake of the guests you can close the kitchen.

CATHERINE               

(Pensively) Monday.

CAITLIN                      

Hey c’mon. That was supposed to be a joke.

CATHERINE               

I didn’t know it was that bad.

CAITLIN                      

Never mind love, cheer up.What else can I tell you about? What’s been going on? Oh yes, Isobella’s had another litter of kittens. Gorgeous little devils. One grey, two ginger moggies, and a tom as black as the ace of spades. The prettiest little faces. And a mum who’s proud as punch.

CATHERINE               

Monday.

CAITLIN                      

Your father and I went to the Mayfair on Wednesday night. A Yul Brynner movie. The title just about says it all for us, ”The Long Duel“, ha ha.

(CATHERINE sits next to her mother and puts her arms around CAITLIN who comforts her) 

CAITLIN                      

Come on now Catherine, no tears please. We’ve been this way before.

CATHERINE               

Right.

CAITLIN                      

Have you bought a present yet?

CATHERINE               

No I haven’t had a chance. Does he need anything at the moment?

CAITLIN                      

Not really. Try and think of something he may need for hospital.

CATHERINE               

Pyjamas maybe?

CAITLIN                      

That’d be nice.

(PETER is descending the staircase)

CAITLIN                      

Oh hello Mr Schelling.

PETER                          

Good day Mrs O’Neill. Could I have a word with you please?

CAITLIN                      

Is everything okay?

PETER                          

I’m having some problems with my room. Is Mr O’Neill here at the moment?

CAITLIN                      

He’s a bit busy. Can I pass a message on?

PETER                          

Well I’m having some maintenance problems. I’ve put up with them for the past few nights but they’re really starting to annoy me.

CAITLIN                      

Maintenance problems?

PETER                          

Hmmm. (Produces notes and reads) I have this annoying problem with the shower dripping and the cistern running. It’s not so bad during the day because I’m hardly there, but at night I have to close the bathroom door just to get any sleep. And once I do that it cuts off the flow-through ventilation. And the latches on the main windows don’t work. I’ve had to prop the windows open with books to get any airflow. Also do you have any idea why the room is so musty?

CAITLIN                      

Well, you know when you look out the window and see that big river at the bottom of the house? In January the house was at the bottom of the big river. That’s why your room is musty, Mr Schelling. 

PETER                          

Hmmm.

CAITLIN                      

Please leave me the list and I’ll make sure those things get done as quickly as possible.

CATHERINE               

Well I’d just like to say that I’ve got no problems with my room Mrs O’Neill.

PETER                          

You’re a guest here too?

CATHERINE               

Oh yes. I come here all the time. Oh, the only problem I do have with my room Mrs O’Neill, is I must be next to the honeymoon suite. I’m being kept awake at night by the couple next door going for one another in wild, passionate .. (CAITLIN slyly kicks CATHERINE) Mrs O’Neill I think you accidentally kicked me.

PETER                          

The honeymoon suite?

CATHERINE               

It wasn’t you was it? (Gets kicked again) Mrs O’Neill please, I’ll get scarred ankles!

CAITLIN                      

I’ll give you ..

PETER                          

No I’m here on my own. But that’s funny, I think I’ve got a room next to the honeymoon suite.

CATHERINE               

Terrible, isn’t it?

PETER                          

Hmm.

CATHERINE               

I mean, all that noise. It’s almost .. unnatural.    

(CAITLIN gives CATHERINE a ”look“)

PETER                          

No, I’m sure I’ve got the room next to the honeymoon suite and I haven’t heard a thing.

CATHERINE               

Well all I can say is thank your lucky stars you’ve got a dripping shower.

PETER                          

Yes..

CAITLIN                      

Oh for heaven’s sake. Look, I’ll go and get my husband Mr Schelling. (To CATHERINE) And I’ll deal with your problems later .. Miss.

(CAITLIN exits through the front door)

PETER                          

You don’t seem to be having much luck here either.

CATHERINE               

Hmmm.

PETER                          

I said, you don’t seem to be getting much satisfaction here. I don’t blame you.

CATHERINE               

Oh, you don’t?

PETER                          

This guest house is like the land that time forgot.

CATHERINE               

Uh huh.

PETER                          

Do you live around here?

CATHERINE               

No.

PETER                          

Oh that’s right. You said you come here all the time. Where from?

CATHERINE               

From the south.

PETER                          

So do I. Why do you come here?

CATHERINE               

Why not. Do you think I should have woken up to myself by now?

PETER                          

Well there’s got to be better places in Kempsey.

CATHERINE               

I’m sure there is.

PETER                          

But this place is cheap, right?

CATHERINE               

Which is exactly why you’re here too, right?

PETER                          

No, oddly enough it was recommended to me by someone in my practice.

CATHERINE               

Uh-huh, obviously someone who doesn’t mind squalid conditions and inefficient service.

PETER                          

Yes, well funny you should mention that. They don’t seem to go too far out of their way to help you here, do they? You know something? A few days ago I had to take a drive out to South West Rocks. I said to the old fool who runs the place, ”I’m going for a drive“, and he said ”To where?“. I told him and he said, ”What do you want to go out there for?“.

I was a bit taken aback and almost told him to mind his own business, but I thought better of it and said, ”Navel gazing“.To which he just looked at me stunned and let out this inane laugh. (Mimics) ”Heh heh heh heh heh heh"  Somehow he doesn’t strike me as the full quid.

CATHERINE               

No, he doesn’t does he?

PETER                          

(Seeing DAVID in the doorway) Speak of the devil.

(DAVID enters wearing overalls and wiping his hands on an oily rag)

DAVID                         

G’day sweetheart. How are you?

CATHERINE               

Dad!

DAVID                         

You’re looking well.

CATHERINE               

You’ve lost a little weight (They hug)

PETER                          

Dad?

DAVID                         

”David“ will do for you Mr Schelling. Heh heh. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one. (Shakes Peter’s hand) How are you today?

PETER                          

(Wiping the oil off his hand) Oh, not too bad .. I suppose.

DAVID                         

Caitlin says you’ve got some troubles with your room.

PETER                          

(Passing his list to DAVID) I’ve written it down for you.

DAVID                         

Thank you. (He studies the list) Hmm .. yes .. Oh well those latches were never much chop. That’s easy fixed. New washers for the shower taps too, I think. Yes, and the toilet .. Oh, that’d be trouble with that .. um .. that funny floating thing on top. If one must use the technical term. Heh heh.

PETER                          

I’m sure.

DAVID                         

Listen, I really appreciate you doing this Mr Schelling. You see we don’t know if anything’s wrong with our rooms unless people tell us. We don’t sleep in them ourselves.

PETER                          

Yes.

DAVID                         

Well I hope the rest of your stay’s a bit more enjoyable.

PETER                          

I did want to enquire about staying a few more days.

DAVID                         

Certainly.

PETER                          

I’d like to pay in advance.

DAVID                         

You can pay us when you check out Mr Schelling. That’s no problem.

PETER                          

It would suit me best to pay now. (He pulls an envelope from his inner pocket) It just allows me more freedom. I may have to check out in the middle of the night.

DAVID                         

Oh by all means. Look, Catherine, could you help Mr Schelling please?

CATHERINE               

What!

DAVID                         

You’ve handled the bookings before.

CATHERINE               

I..

DAVID                         

Could you just write out a receipt please sweetheart? I’ll just grab a few things from the tool shed. Okay if I fix those things up now Mr Schelling?

PETER                          

Fine.

DAVID                         

Good. I’ll get out of your way. Oh, and um .. heh heh .. You’re not planning any more trips out to South West Rocks are you? Heh heh.

PETER                          

Well, maybe. Why do you ask?

DAVID                         

(Shaking his head) Heh heh heh heh heh heh. (He exits)

PETER                          

And that’s your father?

CATHERINE               

Has been all my life.

PETER                          

Well I feel like I’ve been put in a bit of a spot here.

CATHERINE               

Oh do you?

PETER                          

Yes.

CATHERINE               

I’m sure we can remain professional about it. Rise up above any ill feelings so to speak.

PETER                          

I hope so.

CATHERINE               

Hmm.

PETER                          

No hard feelings then?

CATHERINE               

Oh no. (Moves to the reception desk) Let’s just be completely professional. Please take a number.

(She reaches into a box on the desk, grabs a card with ”2“ on it, and hands it to PETER)

PETER                          

What’s this?

CATHERINE               

One second please. (She writes for a few seconds in the register and then looks up) Right. (Looking around the room) One!

PETER                          

What?

CATHERINE               

One!

PETER                          

What is this? A delicatessen?

CATHERINE               

Sir, I’m just an old fool’s daughter. Number One!

PETER                          

Look do you want my money or not?

CATHERINE               

Going once, going twice, going three times. Right! Number Two! Oh yes sir. Can I help you?

PETER                          

Are you finished?

CATHERINE               

Don’t you dare call my father an old fool, or say that his guest house is run squalidly or inefficiently.

PETER                          

I never said this guest house was run squalidly or inefficiently. That was you putting words in my mouth. Remember?

CATHERINE               

My father and mother work very hard.

PETER                          

I’m sure they do. Could I have my receipt please?

(CATHERINE counts the money and scribbles a receipt)

CATHERINE               

One more thing Mr Schelling, my father’s going away on Monday. So this weekend means a great deal to my parents. I don’t want anything to spoil it for them.

PETER                          

Are you .. ? No no no wait. Let’s get something straight here. I am not in the slightest bit interested in your mother or father. I am not the slightest bit interested in you. As far as I’m concerned, after this weekend, this place can be swallowed up by the river for all I care.

CATHERINE               

Fine. Your receipt .. Sir!

PETER                          

And you can let your bloody showers drip. And keep your honeymoon suite for all your cow cockies to hitch themselves up to the bed post.

CATHERINE               

Fine.

PETER                          

Fine. (Begins to exit)

CATHERINE               

Fine.

PETER                          

Fine! (He exits)

CATHERINE               

(After him) Fine!!

(Blackout)

Scene Two

(DAVID is seated on the sofa. CAITLIN calls from offstage)

CAITLIN                      

David. David! (She enters) David.

DAVID                         

Yes dear.

CAITLIN                      

Are you feeling alright love?

DAVID                         

Well, no dear. I’ve just been a bit sick in the toilet.

CAITLIN                      

Oh, poor old thing.

DAVID                         

I’ve just been so weary lately.

CAITLIN                      

Well love, you’ve got to take it easy.

DAVID                         

I know I know, but I just had to get the car ready for the trip and get some odd jobs around the house out of the way.

CAITLIN                      

Look, we’ve got the girls here for the weekend. If there’s anything that needs doing, get them to do it.

DAVID                         

Yes. I might just do that. Catherine’s looking well, isn’t she?

CAITLIN                      

Too well. She needs to settle down I think.

DAVID                         

Oh Cait, everything works itself out in the long run.

CAITLIN                      

Maybe you could talk to her.

DAVID                         

About what?

CAITLIN                      

Settling down.

DAVID                         

I’ll do no such thing. I’ve always said that girl can do what she wants. As long as she’s happy, things will work themselves out. Have you had a chance to talk to her about ..

CAITLIN                      

I was hoping you could ask her.

DAVID                         

Oh, well. I suppose it should come from me. And the twins are all set to come tomorrow?

CAITLIN                      

As far as I know.

DAVID                         

Mm .. It’s going to be a big weekend Cait. There’s a few things that I’ve got to say to some people. A few things I have to get off my chest. I might not get another chance.

CAITLIN                      

Stop talking that way. You can still fight.

DAVID                         

I used to think so. Now it’s more ..

CAITLIN                      

Don’t you dare! You’re just going to accept it, are you?

DAVID                         

Oh come on now Cait. That’s enough.

CAITLIN                      

You’re just going to roll over and let it beat you?

DAVID                         

I said that’s enough! Let’s not argue.

CAITLIN                      

(Hugging DAVID) Oh, David. I’m so scared.

DAVID                         

That’s not like you. That doesn’t sound like my Caitlin Clare O’Neill. My little sabre tooth tiger. The scourge of any traffic cop silly enough to pull you over. I must be the only man in New South Wales who was tempted to fill out an insurance claim on a wrecked television with ”destroyed by hurled vase“. I’m not going to leave you sweetheart.

CAITLIN                      

That’s what I wanted to hear.

DAVID                         

You’re easily pleased, aren’t you. Cait, are you going into town this arvo?

CAITLIN                      

I’m going to Woollies a bit later on.

DAVID                         

Could you be a dear and see if they’ve got any window latches please?

CAITLIN                      

What do they look like?

DAVID                         

You know the ones we have in the guest rooms. I just have to replace one in Mr Schelling’s room.

CAITLIN                      

Mr Schelling? I’m not sure about that fellow. He comes across as a bit strange for my liking. Do you think he’s a German?

DAVID                         

No, I think he’s an Aussie. What difference does it make?

CAITLIN                      

Well, he just seems a little bit .. uppity.

DAVID                         

Oh, he’s alright. He’ll come down a peg or two. Hey .. heh heh .. Do you want to hear something funny?

CAITLIN                      

What’s that?

DAVID                         

Heh heh. I tell you he says some of the funniest things. Heh heh. I asked him the other day where he was going and he said ”To South West Rocks“ .. heh heh .. and then I asked him what he was going to do out there .. heh heh .. and you know what he said? ”Nasal gouging“. Heh heh. Oh I suppose I shouldn’t laugh but .. heh heh .. nasal gouging! And I just had this vision of him .. heh heh .. out there all alone, looking out to sea .. heh heh .. grabbing his finger and .. and sticking it right up his nostril. Heh heh .. and then .. heh heh .. he suddenly sneezes .. heh ..and he goes .. he goes .. HHHUNNH! Heh heh heh .. and his eyes bulge out. Heh heh heh heh. 

CAITLIN                      

(Laughing) You goose!

DAVID                         

Heh heh heh heh .. HHHUNNH! (They exit)

(Blackout)

Scene Three

(PETER is looking through the books on the shelf as DAVID enters)

DAVID                      

(Looks at PETER) Heh heh.  

PETER                       

Sorry?

DAVID                      

Nothing.

PETER                       

I hope you don’t mind me browsing through your books. You have quite a collection.

DAVID                      

Oh, by all means. They’re here for anyone to enjoy.

PETER                       

You seem to have an interest in mythology and exploration.

DAVID                      

Yes. I suppose so. I’ve always been fascinated by people who embark on epic journeys. (Pointing to some books) Australian explorers like Captain Sturt unravelling the inland river system, King Arthur’s quest for the Holy Grail, Jason and the Argonauts’ quest for the Golden Fleece.

PETER                       

(Points to book) The Apollo space program.

DAVID                      

That’s right. Man’s quest for the moon. In fact I like to think this guest house is a shrine for Man’s various quests. We lie half way between Brisbane and Sydney and see many a traveller stop the night to refresh, recharge and forge on in the morning to the next camp.

PETER                       

I see. (He picks up a book) This is one of my favourites.

DAVID                      

Douglas Stewart’s Collection of Plays. I’d have to say my favourite is ”The Fire On The Snow“.

PETER                       

That would have to be obvious. Captain Scott’s journey to the South Pole.

DAVID                      

You must have read my mind. Please help yourself to any of the books. We have a games cupboard here as well. Do you like chess?

PETER                       

Why yes, I love chess.

DAVID                      

Good. (Opens cupboard) We have Scrabble, Monopoly .. (Looks in) Oh.

PETER                       

What’s up?

DAVID                      

Spiders. I’d better get the Mortein.

PETER                       

What? You’re not going to kill them, are you?

DAVID                      

Ha ha. You’ve obviously never been married.

PETER                       

But they’re just daddy long legs. They’re harmless. You don’t have to kill them.

DAVID                      

Well, we could try something different. (Looks into cupboard) Okay fellows. (Pointing) You, you, you and you. (Thumbs out) Out!

PETER                       

Hmm. Do what you want. I just think you should show a bit more respect for life.

DAVID                      

(Pauses and looks at PETER) Well maybe we can give them a stay of execution. (Takes out chess set and closes cupboard) Anyway, I’ll need this for where I’m going.

PETER                       

Your daughter mentioned you were going somewhere.

DAVID                      

I’m going to hospital.

PETER                       

Oh, nothing serious I hope.

DAVID                      

Leukaemia.

PETER                       

Oh my God .. I’m sorry.

DAVID                      

That’s okay. It’s not your fault.

PETER                       

That was the wrong thing to say.

DAVID                      

Believe me, nobody knows the right thing to say.

PETER                       

Yes.

DAVID                      

You know, I’ve shaken your hand but I don’t think I’ve actually formally introduced myself. David O’Neill. (Shakes Peter’s hand)

PETER                       

Pleased to meet you. Peter Schelling.

DAVID                      

What do you do for a crust Peter?

PETER                       

I’m a solicitor. I work at a practice in Randwick.

DAVID                      

A solicitor? That’s interesting.

PETER                       

Do you have any problems at all?

DAVID                      

Well, with this thing hanging over my head I’d appreciate some advice.

PETER                       

Legal advice? Wouldn’t you prefer a local opinion?

DAVID                      

Mm, that’s a long story. Could we talk?

PETER                       

Sure. Problems with a will?

DAVID                      

Maybe. A lot of things have changed the way I think since I made it. How about we discuss it over a chess board?

PETER                       

Ha. That sounds tempting.

DAVID                      

Good. I’ll set up on the verandah. Heh heh. Give you chance to use your fingers more constructively. Heh heh. You and your nasal gouging.

(DAVID exits to the verandah)

PETER                       

(Looking after him) Nasal gouging? (Laughs) Nasal gouging. (Pauses) Heh heh heh. (He exits to the verandah carrying the book)

(Blackout)

 Scene Four

(DAWN and THERESE enter through the front door.)

DAWN                      

Hello!

THERESE                 

(Rings the desk bell) Service! Anybody home?

CAITLIN                   

(Entering from the kitchen) Oh, come in. Come in!

DAWN                      

Hi Mum. (Hugs CAITLIN)

THERESE                 

Mum. How are you? (Hugs CAITLIN)

CAITLIN                   

I’m fine. I thought you were coming down later on today?

THERESE                 

No, you know stupid Cliff. Drives like a bat out of hell. Lucky we met up with Dawn in Grafton, or we’d be part of the space program by now.

Wouldn’t be any chance of a cuppa, would there Mum?

CAITLIN                   

Oh I think there’d be a very real chance. Where are the boys?

(THERESE and DAWN look at each other)

DAWN                      

Cliff’s just outside but Danny won’t be coming Mum.

CAITLIN                   

(Slightly shocked) Oh.

DAWN                      

Where’s Dad?

CAITLIN                   

He’s around.

(CLIFF enters with the luggage)

CLIFF                        

G’day. (Drops the bags)

THERESE                 

Same room as last time Mum?

CAITLIN                   

Yes dear.

THERESE                 

Oi! Stirling Moss, upstairs! (C